Friend or Lover

I didn’t want to be your friend, I wanted to be your lover

I wanted both

Friday

Upon returning to the car, on a rainy Friday afternoon, we started to kiss, the kissing became heavy and before I knew it my dress was lifted exposing myself as he stroked my engorged clit. Panting I pull my legs apart and my lips to look down at myself in my ouvert knickers. I can hear his ragged breathing and the feel of his warm breath whispering in my ear saying how beautiful I am.

The need to touch, to feel my smooth, swollen, velvet like sex…my legs tremble, the tingling begins and I know this is only going to end one way…sated bliss…until the next one

Loss

The definition:

the fact or process of losing something or someone.

“avoiding loss of time”

the feeling of grief after losing someone or something of value.

“I feel a terrible sense of loss”

To describe somehow it feels to me like a hollow pain, a dull ache, an empty vacuum. It’s a strange feeling but the memories help, it’s enough to make you smile and those memories give you a warm sense of feeling. Those memories can be repeated over and over to give you that feeling.

I’ll always miss what we had, the beginning, the high, the intensity, the connection before life pulls you back. But my gut doesn’t lie and then quando realizzi il suo plurale.

Saudade…such a beautiful word I stumbled upon and so apt at the time I found it.

Its meaning “a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent”

But like everything when we struggle, time helps, a pause, a stepping away. When the downs outweigh the highs, step back, don’t force what’s no longer there and just allow other things into your life. I guarantee they will come. The saying of when one doors closes, it happens. Not necessarily in the same way. So many aspects of life to enjoy and with age, I appreciate so much more of the little things. That doesn’t mean to say the other part has finished but it’s possibly on hold.

Walks in the sun or at least fresh air to coffee shops, wine & cheese at a local independent with friends.

A few friends have reappeared into my life that I thought had gone and it’s so lovely.

Treated to lunch and trips to the cinema with my adult son, these are memories I love to make and feel lucky he wants to spend time with me.

Finally after 4 years when the world stopped are there those much loved mini trips away. The sea, beach and laying, reading in the sun.

We just have to allow ourselves to evolve, reboot and just be. There’s a lot to be said about routine that makes the purpose so much more fun to look forward to.

Female friendships in Swinging

Female friends in swinging are very similar to other relationships in the fact they are rare when you find a true diamond.

Recently I’ve met some fantastic women by going to the VA’s Milf regularly who have been thoughtful, an ear at times and just so lovely to meet females who have similar wants and needs, where you can discuss things you wouldn’t with your other friends. It’s become like a little tribe.

I’ve yet to meet a female who is part of a couple where we’ve become close, I’m guessing because their wants and fantasies are together?

This post is an accolade to my friend Sus (Susy/Susannah to everyone else which she pointed out recently). I met Sus via another swinging female at a ladies lunch nearly 7 years ago. I very nearly didn’t go. I’m still in touch with a few of the other women ad-hoc but the interesting thing is that day, I would have said she would be the last one I’d have bonded with. Since then we’ve been in touch regularly and been to many events together.

There’s so many great qualities she has. Intuitive, intelligent, insightful and extremely supportive. She’s terribly kind and I think we gel so well at any social. She was the only swinger at my 50th party and our joint 49th because we both have the privilege of mixing our worlds and know each others families.

I trust her 100% and often she’s my ears and eyes when I’m not sure and seek her advice. I feel very lucky to have met her and have her in my life.

2022 ~ The man in the blue shorts

Thought it time for an update on this journey called life.

Having looked back on the previous years I’ve written, 2022 turned out to be something I wasn’t looking for but came along and took me by surprise.

I started going along quite regularly to the Vanilla Alternative Milf Wednesdays and by spring also their Bi nights.

It was at Milf/Bi nights that very gradually & sporadically I started chatting to a certain male. The first time I was aware of him (but he says he was aware of me 3 months prior) was just after I had played with a friend and sat astride on top talking. He was next to us and said “that was beautiful to watch”. I looked at him and instantly found him attractive and asked if he was Bi? He said no (polite way of saying he didn’t want a threesome). A few months went by whereby I ran into him at a Bi night, we chatted, he bought me a drink and promptly wandered off. I figured I had bored him or he didn’t seem that interested. Then on the next Milf club, he rushed by me, said I looked lovely and disappeared. At no point did I think anymore. Later on that day my friend said, that man thinks you are lovely. Which man? The man in the blue shorts. So as I’m sat by the hot tub with my tea, he appears in the doorway, I beckon him over and he comes and sits next to me. We kiss…that kiss was the start of something truly magical. He made these little mumbling noises, touching, stroking and oral from him (which was really good).

A few weeks followed and the next Bi night was happening. He invited me to his hotel where I got ready. I remember thinking, if he offers for me to stay, I’ll accept and he did. I’d not felt like that in a long time.

That first night before and during the club night was at a different pace to what I’m used to. A slow build, no rush, but fun. I knew that if it was going to happen it would be once we were back at the hotel. The intensity of the night and drifting off to sleep in the early hours, waking to sensual stroking, kissing, touching and more was just bliss. He also bought me a little gift after reading my blog. A first for me, I was really touched.

Since then, we’ve met every month, hotels, milf, bi night, camped, cinema, woodland trails, pubs, restaurants.

This has been a particularly difficult year for me with my work and this person has been a true light in dark days. He’s not just supported me by listening, encouraging with kind words and patience in a way that’s unique to this lifestyle, but he’s been a constant.

I appreciate this is more than sex & swinging as we have mentally and physically connected. How we move forward in play with others is something we have discussed a lot, but whatever happens in the future, I am truly blessed and feel lucky to have met him. He really is special to me. I’ve not met anyone like him in 10 years of swinging.

Morning Light

As I slowly wake I’m eye to eye with him laid next to me

I need to feel his hands on my face

My hands stroking his beard as he slowly runs his fingertips along my body….down my shoulder, my arm, running along my thigh, my pussy lips screaming for him to know how wet I am and the desire for his finger to dip into my well.

He resists, continuing to stroke every part of me.

I can only sigh, a slight smile on my lips and wait enjoying the moment, the tease and the feeling of being alive

Balance

It’s been over 2 years since I’ve given an update on swinging and meets. I think I’m mentally in the right place to continue now without the highs or the lows. People who have taken the time to read it have often apologised for other males. I think I need to make it clear that it wasn’t all bad, otherwise why would I still be swinging. That said I recently chatted to someone and we did chew it over. I, like many, have ups and downs. The highs are so good, addictive and make us feel amazing. When you chat (and go on to meet said person), where your body reacts upon their words, that first kiss, it causes your endorphins to kick in, we know that feeling is rare, it just doesn’t happen very often so we are seeking it again, a true addiction.

When you do find it, it can either suddenly come to an end for varying reasons or feel like it’s over before it started.

Maybe that’s how it’s meant to be, to end before you expect it to? So picking up from Oct 2019, eyes down…

December 2019 ~ I’d spoken to this person on and off for a few years till it ramped up to daily from October 2019 to when we decided to meet. I met him at his coffee shop which was flattering as he’s a real regular here. After a few coffees, we went on to a pub in a beautiful Christmas village setting. Things heated up in the snug and eventually I had to go. He walked me to my car. I could feel how aroused I was from just kissing him. We got into my car where things got extremely heated and role play occurred. It was a fantastic meet. However!, the week that followed became a pattern of silence or a brief message where i’d reply and he didn’t open them. On reflection it was no surprise as everyone he had ever told me about, he had cut off. Not conversed since and his parting words were “I won’t hassle you”.

Feb 20 ~ I went along with girlfriends for a Naughty Bi Nature club night “social”. I met a fantastic couple and we all played together. I realised afterwards that it was a first for me being alone. We didn’t know then that was to be the last club night due to the impending pandemic. However, they have stayed in touch, I’m flattered they found me on fet life and they are a great example of balance.

March 20 ~ I was seeing my latex friend again after a mutual friend bumped into him. We met up again in the new year and had a very near miss at my house. We went shopping and had lunch but the same issues were still there. He said he wanted to go to clubs but never could, he really believed that once he moved, his life would change. None of that made any difference to me and I found myself questioning him once again and him being defensive. He did move and nothing changed.

The Lockdown happened and the whole world shut down. Thank heaven for amazing weather and laying in the garden suffering with sun horn.

April 20 ~ It was in lockdown that I got chatting to a TV/TS where very quickly we moved to phone calls, horny calls of role play for an hour a day. Fantasies were talked about where I’d often have my hand down my knickers. It was a head rush, something we were all craving after the restrictions that where happening and we weren’t used to. Some 5 weeks later we finally met and had a picnic (because now it was all about outside meets). I went on to meet this very passionate person around monthly or more between regulations until it ended very abruptly the week after the November lockdown where I received an abusive, threatening text from a son I didn’t know existed. Who says they have one (adult) child when they actually have 3? There was an apology and a vague explanation but for someone who loved to chat on the phone, that wasn’t once offered. In fact, a string of woe is me statuses but I knew it was the end for me. Was I upset? Absolutely I was, I felt sick to my stomach over it at first, a real loss after so much passion and fun. We had a weekend away in the summer, a first. This person asked me to trust them over and over in the first month but in reality, they didn’t trust me and I was the one who had laid all my cards on the table, 100% open and honest. You live and learn. Although he did introduce me to the best Malbec ever, every cloud.

June 20 ~ I previously conversed with a stunning TV/TS in 2019 and again via Fet in 2020 and visited their home and had a great afternoon talking, playing and dressing up. Have seen them socially since and still in touch. What a rare delight to still be conversing in a healthy, balanced way.

After the restrictions and getting over the head fuck of 2020 I didn’t and couldn’t do very much for the following 6 months. It was a wise thing to do.

April 21 ~ weeks of chatting, I meet a TV in male mode for a picnic/social. Sadly I didn’t fancy them.

May 21 ~ a few messages from someone on fet life, I agree to meet socially. It turned into play, they were really into control and breathe play/tying me down. Whilst it was an enjoyable evening, we didn’t meet again. I didn’t feel that rush.

June 21 ~ visit to the new Penthouse with my best mate where I meet a friend of hers. We go on to meet in July for coffee and kisses. Nothing more.

July 21 ~ A few messages and I agree to go to someone’s home. Very rare but it felt easy and comfortable. Met again a few days later. Nice enough man who then through a sequence of let downs, I called it a day. No biggie, I just couldn’t be arsed anymore. Was light hearted fun.

July 21 ~ after talking on and off for a few years, I met a TV/TS for lunch. Sitting in the sun, chatting was lovely. Thank you for lunch. We still chat and hope to meet again.

July 21 ~ A last minute with someone I’ve conversed with on and off for a few years. I get ready at his hotel and we go to the Bi night at the VA. An amazing night aside from a couple he had met a few weeks before where in the midst of senses on overload (she was fisting me and my friend was sucking my toes, her man fucked me from behind). He asked me how I felt about anal. It was at this point that I realised he wasn’t wearing a condom. To this day, I can’t believe A. Her reaction when I messaged them about it, and B. The fact he did it without asking me. It tainted the evening for me and the weeks that followed consumed me about it until I got the all clear. As soon as I said no to no condom, he moved to somewhere else in the club. The fabulous organiser offered to bar them for life as said it wasn’t on. I’m still in touch with male friend and I’m sure we will meet again at some point.

Sept 21 ~ Finally after weeks of constant chatter, I meet a TV/TS in a pub where after many hours of chat, we kiss in the rain and I leave. Something in my gut didn’t feel right. After some research, it confirmed my gut feeling.

Oct 21 ~ Milf social at the VA with my mate. Great day, a massage, no play (!)

Oct 21 ~ Meeting the couple I’d played with at the last Arousals Naughty Bi Nature event in a swanky hotel in London. A great, fun evening that flew by. They bought the wine I like too and a fantastic cocktail, it’s the little things.

Nov 21 ~ Milf & Cookies @ Penthouse. Met a younger male who I think I may have scarred for life 😉

Nov 21 ~ Met a male in a bar a few days prior to us going along to a BDSM event at a club. What a meet. Blew me away. From that first kiss, I was hooked. The event was incredible too, I was spanked to my limit and left me with a bruised bum for a week which was many shades throughout the week. Met again a few weeks later for kinky shopping and a hotel. Such a lovely guy. I felt like I was a secret which didn’t sit well for me as our home life is unusual but the same. Trying to keep a healthy balance on this. Who knows if we ever meet again but if we don’t, it was a lot of fun and intense, left with great memories.

Nov 21 ~ Milf & Cookies Social with my mate. Met someone for first time that I was supposed to meet in 2019. Small world. Cheeky & great dancer!

Dec 21 ~ not a meet but a classic example of why men are just as mysterious. 10 or so days of continuous chat, a phone call and then suddenly radio silence. Had it before but trying to avoid it happening again and wasting all our time can be hard to spot.

So as 2021 draws to an end, let’s see what 2022 brings. But I’m always learning and surprising myself with swinging. Still learning to balance it too. Clubs are working for me as I go with no expectations and mostly have a great time regardless of play.

Swinging & “Single” Males

I decided to write about swinging having been in the lifestyle for over 5 years now and from the perspective of a female who is attached but allowed to meet males.

It’s certainly been an experience, a life lesson and it’s always a learning curve before essentially what we all want and hope for is very different.

No amount of writing on your profile can summarise that and a large percentage of males do not even bother to read it.  If they have and you then begin to chat (having deleted all those “how’s your day and how are you messages, I mean, just pure laziness), you will still find that males will “adapt” to what you say you want and like when in fact, its not them at all.

When I first started out on this journey, I stumbled into it, from a kink aspect of the love of latex and then females.  Within no time my partner and I met a couple and played.

The high you get is amazing, we tried clubs, met other couples and then eventually as things evolved and we realised its very difficult to find a couple where you both click 100% we allowed each other to meet separately safe in the knowledge that its fun, its sex, its play…it isn’t about running off with someone else.  He’s my life partner and best friend but we have the very unique or at least rare relationship that’s secure in not being jealous or worried that it might fall apart. Why?  Because we communicate the whole time and are honest and I love him.

So in the past few years, I’ve met males alone, to begin with my partner would meet them and also initially play to not meeting them at all but going by my judgement or I’d show him conversations and on one or two occasions he wasn’t sure and he was right, I had ignored my gut feeling.

There has been a few repeat amazing people early days, one I’m still in touch with and his play was by far the most physical and quite frankly amazing.

The other was and will always be a mystery to me, we clicked on so many levels but he just trailed off, maybe its issues I can’t see or don’t understand.  But I do know that I did 99% of the effort and he wasn’t willing to come to my house, be flexible, plus letting me down twice on a road trip the night before meant this person isn’t being honest with themselves and how they see things.

Since mid 2018, I would say aside of one recent kinky meet with a lovely much younger male than myself, they have all be non starters.  There’s plenty who wax poetical and rave then suddenly just disappear, guess is a sign of how life is via your phone.

Sometimes its because I just don’t fancy them (you can’t fancy everyone) but mostly it’s the messing about and the lack of communication that has occurred.  The complete time wasters, fantasists or just lack of the effort when I’ve travelled to them.  There have been ones who I do give my number to, abuse me and then disappear or just ghost.  I conclude they must have issues or other stuff going on in their head.

Last summer I chatted at length to a couple of males who said they would love to meet. One did some face timing and getting off (not my thing really anymore) and when it came to making an actual date, he made excuse after excuse regarding telling his partner.  In an open & honest relationship apparently, clearly not.  Has reappeared this summer then disappeared again.

A cross dresser, spoke lots, again when it came to meeting “because he often passes my way on business”, then wanted me to travel round the M25 in rush hour, then his car broke down and finally the best one was moving the meet to London from 2pm, to 4pm but could only stay for 2 hours as son was sick. I declined and months later he messaged to say I didn’t want to meet.  Joke.

Around this time I met after much persuasion, a man from Fet. He had irregularly messaged me over 4 years.  This is the one that my husband asked if I sure if he was my type.  His vocabulary was basic to say the least but due to his constant and sudden consistency I agreed to met him, again me travelling in. This is probably the one where I was extremely lucky to get away.  He met me at the station, we kissed (dreadful, should have run then), we went down to the market and pub and had a drink in the sun.  He asked me to squeeze his cock hard through his shorts, at no point was it hard, I think drugs were involved. Then after a while we went back to his which I can honestly say was the worst experience I’ve ever had.  I was lucky to get my stuff together and run up the road back to the station, tearful.  He sent odd & horrible messages later on. I woke to bruised thighs.

Early part of this year, I arranged to meet a few who let me know either on the day or the day before that they were cancelling.  Even this week, a man who I said I didn’t fancy, wanted to meet. After I said ok and asked when, did it then become a slow process of replies till the actual day when he couldn’t make it.  I ask myself why are men so complicated, so quick to complain they get a raw deal when in fact, they spoil it by not communicating or making it too complicated. So this year goes as this….

Dear Diary…

Feb 2019 – after sporadic messages over quite a few years via different media I have agreed to meet for a coffee, someone that was married but now separated. I left clearly realizing this guy may still be depressed and we felt absolutely nothing for each other.  A polite goodbye and good luck.

Feb 2019 – after much chatting, I agree to travel to him, just a coffee in a shopping centre.  Then as it looms, he is sending me messages saying he’s very stressed with work and will I wait another month.  No I cannot. It was on his doorstep, I was doing the travelling.

March 2019 (from October 2018) – now this one was a complete mystery, in a way I think in denial of many things, one being the fact that s/he either didn’t fancy me but kept trying too.  We started well the previous Autumn and met around 5 times where he only managed to get it up once, another issue was s/he wasn’t excepting he suffered with erectile disfunction. The last time we met, I trekked into London, out to a kink night event, back into central London to a club they loved (I didn’t) where between myself and my friend, s/he practically ignored us all night with exception of offering us free drinks s/he didn’t lay a finger on us the whole night, which included sharing a bed with them.  The only occasion s/he became animated was when they saw their recent sub who had split from them.  This (wo)man needs to see an counsellor as lovely as s/he seemed, there’s too many issues to put down.

March 2019 – met this man at a kink house event where he made it very clear he was interested and took my fab name and messaged me instantly.  We chatted for 2 weeks.  Then on an impromptu, offered to come over and we went for a drive.  Not normally my style but boy we had fun. Sadly he was a total liar, saying he was separated with a child of which he is in fact married with no child.  He cancelled next two arranged meets, one after I checked it was still on and both due to “work”.

March 2019 – went to a club with my husband and another couple.  Had an impromptu play with a CD, lovely person. Went on to a club the following month together, amazing night in the glory hole.  Went on to cancel me and said s/he would be in touch for a coffee, never heard from them again.  Understand s/he has lost their mojo.

April 2019 – cancelled on the day, hours before due to their child needed collecting.

April 2019 – Met a lovely guy, who to this day I’m undecided but I didn’t have fire in my belly and was seriously starting to question my mojo and this lifestyle.

June 2019 – having a slump, I briefly chat to someone and agree to a coffee the next day. This is quite rare after so few messages.  We meet, have a chat, a kiss.  He rings me the next day and asks me to come to his the day after.  All a bit quick and I’m not sure anyway.  I say I’m not happy going to his home as he’s married but that’s not a concern according to him.  Having been in a near miss situation before he’s not listening to my concern. His tone when I declined didn’t help but confirmed it was a no from me.

June 2019 – Met a kinky CD in London, I travelled in which is an hour, he walked about 10 mins from home.  As I walked in, he was buying himself a drink, no offer to get me one, no body language, in fact, he bought his own second drink too.  I’m more take it in turns, don’t expect to be bought but wow, that’s tight.  Eye contact wasn’t great, didn’t fancy.

June 2019 – Oh yes! This is the highlight of the year.  Met this latex lovely guy in a hotel in Stanstead, there was nothing he said to me a month prior to meeting and chatting that put me off.  He didn’t disappoint.  Fantastic day with him.

July 2019 – Met a male I clicked with in terms of personality, agreed to a drink but again didn’t fancy them.

July 2019 – Met someone locally, now I really liked this guy.  Full of life, personality, was vibrant.  Agree to go to a club with him.  I’d been completely open and honest about where I’m coming from. He then cancels the day before due to illness but still keen to meet.  I ask a question about his home life to which I get a very vague answer and then realise this guy isn’t being as honest with me as I am with him.  I just want honesty and if they are attached then its my prerogative if I meet them, we are all adults.  He wouldn’t do that.  Such a shame as I would have loved to go to clubs with him.

Aug 2019 – Met someone again not too far to travel, we chat but not much there.  Not sure if he wanted me to chase him but I didn’t. He messaged a few times afterwards saying he would like to watch me and my husband having sex?  Err not thanks.  Also kept saying how busy he is with work and no time.  Confusing.

Aug 2019 – This guy, wow, on text and chat, so promising, so much so I’d have hidden my profile just to meet up with him.  He tells me he has no issue showing affection and so much more.  Again, I go into London and wait to meet him.  I’ve said I enjoy sharing a drink and coming into London means I will be staying after dusk.  We meet, he takes me to a rammed cellar bar with high stalls, sits opposite me and slaps down a pint of coke.  Then tells me he can’t stay long as he’s off on a stag weekend so driving. To say I was dumbfounded is an understatement.  He buys me a drink but when it’s his turn again he cuts the meet even shorter and says he best be off.  I find myself walking back to the station on a Friday at just gone 7pm so hit the rush hour and a long journey home.  He’s walked 5-10 minutes from his office to meet me, a kiss on the lips, nothing more and he goes off in the opposite direction.  If he is wondering why I didn’t answer his last message, that’s why.  You don’t treat people like that. I’d made it clear of my night when he didn’t.  I now understand why he is single.  He actually looked bored of my conversation in the last hour but said he enjoyed my company even though he looked more interested in people watching.  The eye contact wasn’t great and neither was his body language. The man on chat was not the man in person.

Aug 2019 – been chatting all year to a local guy and on an impromptu I walked up to my local and he bought me a birthday drink.  Lovely guy, sadly I don’t fancy him.

Aug 2019 – met another local man, not sure on message if there is a click, we sit and chat in a remote place for an hour but I know he’s not for me kink wise. Lovely bloke but again nothing sexually coming across for me.

Sept 2019 – currently chatting to a few, who knows where it might lead.  But I’d say my best lovers have been in the past and possibly this is the end?

Oct 2019 – those few disappeared and I can’t say I’m disappointed.  It reiterates the fickleness of it all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full Circle

It’s been many years since I accidentally stumbled onto a latex fetish site that I can’t remember how long this love affair with latex has been going on, but it’s probably 7-10 years.

After the initial find and then the subsequent purchases (I’m never one to rush things), I would parade around my bedroom in it, either for my own pleasure in how it made me feel and turned me on or for my husband who loved seeing me in it.

A few years ago I wanted to experience the fun of latex to latex. Another who was into it just as much as I am. Chats on fetlife and twitter did not bring anyone forward…there were mutual conversations of the love of it or compliments on how it suited me but nothing more. Not at the level I loved it, the hood wearing, head to toe alter ego feeling.

The spring of 2017 a female friend I’d met via others mentioned she had a friend who was into latex. I thought no more of it. Then suddenly two months ago, she asked if I’d like to be introduced via a chat app to them. I would….

What has transpired is that rare thing where you match kink for kink, they also own all the latex, all the toys and yet if you past them in the street you wouldn’t think twice.

That’s what I love, hidden layers. The many people I’ve seen at say a fetish market or club that screams “I’m different, I’m kinky etc”, was not what I was looking for. In fact, I’d stopped even thinking it would happen.

A month after we chatted, I was invited for coffee. I went thinking it was just that and preparing myself for someone who was very weird or very old (or both). Call it self protection, so I wasn’t disappointed.

What transpired was in fact someone who couldn’t be further from that. Just 15 days older than myself, they got all the generation quips, jokes and comments on chat.

I’m a tall girl and height for me is a turn on. At 6’3” that was the first obvious plus, then the physique, a body that goes to the gym daily without being pumped, looked after so looks great in latex.

We chatted for ages and clearly clicked. Whilst I was thinking it was time to go, I was unexpectedly asked would I like to play. I surprised myself by instantly saying I would (1st meets are socials and I always see what someone looks like before meeting them, clearly all the rules were going out the window this time).

When I got upstairs latex stockings were revealed under jeans. A total surprise that still makes me smile when I think about it. A pussy pump was attached to me, much kissing and general getting to explore each other happened.

I left that day, with the biggest smile on my face. Asked if I’d like to meet again, there was no hesitations in a resounding yes.

The next time was us fully clad in latex. The one after a slightly different experience and more. It just gets better and better. We’ve agreed that it’s incredibly rare to find that right person you click with, we can’t believe our luck.

Struggling

Today my mood is reflective of what’s been and where I am now. I feel emotional, the loss of my daughter, the silence is deafening and the tears are so close to the surface. As I write this they tumble and crash.

Maybe tomorrow will bring light.